Stock Photo Madness

Holy moly, I'm back! I forgot how to type for a while, but a band of highly-functioning chimpanzees retaught me in exchange for futuristic weapons. So here we are, in a society that is about to succumb to apes, all because of me. Wait 'til you see those guns with lasers attached! The chimps all look so silly and adorable, their little hairy hands pulling triggers and whatnot. But I digress.

Today I'm here to share with you one of the joys of my job. As a graphic designer, I often have to search for just the right photo for a certain publication. Maybe a soldier and her family for the Department of Veterans Affairs. Maybe a disabled senior citizen for the Administration on Aging. Maybe a minority on a fishing boat with a NET, dammit, not a fishing rod, and they can't be Hispanic or Asian, they have to be Indian, no, not Native American Indian, India Indian, and it has to be a short woman with a broken leg, drinking a bloody Mary, and the boat captain has to be a five year old child with no eyeballs, because the kid represents JUSTICE, what the hell were you thinking sending us the picture of the kid with one eye? And Photoshop fireworks in. No, on second thought, take them back out and Photoshop a SHARK in. A winking shark. And in his mouth are the child's missing eyes! Because that represents the justice system, don't you understand?

...clients. Just kidding. It's decisions by committee that can go to hell. Anyway, my criteria for a good stock photo are as follows: realistic scenario, easy search terms, and the ability to reuse the photo for multiple projects.

Let's see how I've fared thus far...

Really Thinkstock? Really? I mean, this will definitely come in handy when I'm creating a postcard for the Hoarder Plumbers Association (HPA), but besides that, it seems to have very limited usage. The best part? The title of the photo is Babysitter. You mean there's a baby under there?

This could, conceivably, have more uses than the first one. Come on, it's hilarious. "Bigfoot Clipping Her Toenails"...wait...time out...her? I'm not sure how they figured that one out, but I guess I'll ignore that for now. Bigfoot Clipping Her Toenails is a comedic study in female beauty and cosmetic habits...right? For example, a magazine editor would totally find this useful and completely non-offensive when publishing an article about how the female psyche is affected by body image depictions in the media.

Right.

The best part of Bigfoot is that I was searching for "Bad Neighborhood." Call me crazy, but it looks like Bigfoot keeps a clean house, and is probably a perfectly respectable neighbor.  

Let's quickly run through a few of these faster than Bigfoot can get a reliable babys(h)itter.

Thank you so much, Thinkstock. This photo DOES look like "Teens Playing Rugby". Perfect!

Almost as much as this mother cat carrying her newborn albino kitten looks like a "Disabled Asian Male".

This forest perfectly exemplifies "Disabilities". That forest is so disabled it makes me shed a tear every time I see it.

Technically, this photo is exactly what I was looking for. A smiling white male making eye contact. There was just a little something extra they forgot to mention. Bonus!

"Child with Disabilities" 

"African American Business Woman".

 ...talking to a puppy on a headset who's wearing a sweater from 1970.

 "Smiling Asian Senior Male"

...passing me an opium pipe. Score.

I...I have no words. Just...just look at this. Look at it.

Another search for "teenagers playing rugby". The title of this is "Rugby Sensuality". Oh god, what have I stumbled on to?

I had a difficult time keeping my laughter in when I found this one at work. Thank goodness nobody walked behind me when this took over my screen.

Toothless photobomb of an otherwise excellent photo.

 "Low Income Family"

They lost all of their money with their exorbitant usage of art supplies (let's be frank. Not usage, waste).

"Smiling African American Male" 

...washing every part of his body at once, even his eyeballs and teeth. "Okay, now open your eyes and look at the camera. It's okay that you're not really in a shower, no one will notice."



I'm off to pursue a career in taking relevant photos. I'll be a millionaire! Wish me luck. Bring your Bigfoot costume, just in case.