Vampire Evidence

Ever since I’ve read the Twilight series, books about vampires and teen/undead love, I’ve been keeping my eyes open. I'm 98% sure that Alexandria, VA has some vampires hiding in the shadows.

Those ruffians are as strong as an ox. No. That expression totally doesn’t fit, because they probably ate that ox for breakfast. Literally. They’re as strong as horrifying dinosaur robots that don’t rust, and their only fuel is the terror they strike in people’s hearts (which means it’s a completely unending fuel).

Anyway, like I said, I’ve been keeping my eyes open. A-town is getting vandalized by vamps. I mean, people are probably dying too and all that, or at least pets are turning up mysteriously devoid of their blood…but they’re way too smooth to gather any suspicion for those. Silly officials and other humans will blame those misfortunes on freak accidents, lack of proper nutrition, crack, that disease that mysteriously makes all of your blood disappear, you know, stuff like that. But not me. I look. So far, I’ve seen three, YES THREE pieces of totally compelling evidence that Edward Cullen is probably a real person.

And here we go:

There’s this sidewalk that randomly turns into a hill for ¼ of a block. It’s odd, it’s probably 10 feet high. It has hand rails so babies and doggies don’t fall off into the street. BUT as I drove by the other day the metal pipe that has a 3 inch diameter was all twisted up like a pretzel. Just the rail on the left, by the street. The rail on the right, where something could have fallen down the hill and crashed into it, was very much non-pretzelized. Therefore, a vampire was walking, probably wearing a cute lil cape or something, and some jerk drove by and made fun of them for it. And you know how that Cullen clan needs to keep a low profile. The silly vamp couldn’t just jump on the car and throw it in the river…so they grabbed the rail and made a balloon animal out of it.

Compelling evidence piece number two.

There is a parking lot. That obvs means vampires.

Oh man I got you. There you are, sitting and reading, and you think I’m crazy because parking lots mean vampires. Ho ho ho, he he he, it was a joke. And plus, you totally didn’t think I was crazy already.

So this lot, it’s chained off. It has been for the past 3 years as far as I can tell. And in it are these two giant horrible dents. It’s like the parking lot was peanut-brittle and somebody dropped the whole thing on the floor and now it’s in a million pieces. It looks like some vampire jumped there and left two huge crater-like holes.

Three.

I forget. That means that they’ve been her dazzling me, with jazz hands and all. They wiped my memory clean. Jerks.

Numbah four.

You know how some people have sticky-outey veins? Angelina Jolie is the most terrifying example of this:

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00228/T2_228134a.jpg

I was at a bar last night, and this guy I know has them in his hand. BUT THEN. But then I looked at his sticky-outey veined hand….and it had two puncture wounds in it!

Five.

I only said I had three points. Now I have five. My mind isn’t working like it used to. I’m being hypnotized. Oh well, maybe now I’ll be able to remember that mysterious childhood trauma I blocked out. Five is this guy:

I can't remember where I found this picture from...

something about "That Guy".

If by that guy they meant soon-to-be-undead-guy, then they got it right.

So there you have it. A list of irrefutable evidence of the existence of vampires. If you've got any more cold hard facts, let me know.